Do you believe in soulmates? 

A soulmate is someone with whom you have an intense connection - they just “get” you. They instinctively know what you need and how to make you happy and in return, you do the same for them. 

In our cynical modern world, so many dismiss the idea of soulmates as fanciful lore best left to rom-coms, but the truth is you can have a soulmate relationship with your partner simply by learning to speak their love language. Yup, it’s that simple.

In every relationship the language of love whispers in its own dialect, but imagine you could tune into a frequency that’s like shooting cupid’s arrow directly to your partner’s heart.

Imagine waking up to a freshly brewed cup of coffee just the way you like it, or coming home from work to find that the grocery shopping has been done AND packed away without you having to utter a single word about it. 

These simple actions have the ability to make your heart gush with love and appreciation for your thoughtful partner. 

And this is what the acts of service love language is all about - your actions don’t just speak louder than words - they shout love from the rooftops!

What is a Love Language?

The modern dating world is complicated enough without needing to become a love language linguist, right? 

Wrong!

Just like people around the world speak different verbal languages, we all express and understand love differently too. It’s not about Parisian French or Tokyo-style Japanese - it's about figuring out what makes your partner feel truly cherished and loved.

Discovering your partner’s love languages is like being a hacker, but instead of breaking into computer systems, you’re cracking into the core of your relationship. Knowing your partner’s love language lets you in - no password needed!

Developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, the concept of love languages explains how we each have preferred ways to give and receive love, which fit into five neat categories. The five love languages he identified are: 

• Acts of Service

• Gift Giving

• Physical Touch

• Quality Time

• Words of Affirmation

So, why stick to one-size-fits-all expressions of love when you can tailor your approach to your partner’s primary love language and communicate your affection more effectively - it's like knowing exactly which button to press to make someone smile.

The Five Love Languages Explained 

Gary Chapman’s five love languages are based on his years working as a marriage counselor. This is how he defines them:

Acts of Service

If this is your partner’s love language, actions truly speak louder than words. It’s all about performing acts that make your partner’s life easier. 

Gift Giving 

If your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, don’t worry you won’t need a second job to afford it! This love language isn't about the price tag - rather your partner will feel appreciated by the thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift giving acts - choosing the perfect gift, whether homemade or bought is the way to make these partners feel loved. If someone’s love language is receiving gifts they value tangible things as symbols of love, but this can be as simple as a freshly picked flower.

Physical Touch 

If your partner’s love language is touch, a hug, a kiss, or a comforting hand squeeze can express love, care and presence more deeply than anything else.

Quality Time

This love language is all about undivided attention - no phones, no distractions. Whether it’s a quiet coffee date or a long forest walk, spending meaningful time together is the ultimate way to express love when this is the primary love language in your relationship.

Words of Affirmation

For some, nothing makes them feel loved more than words of appreciation and affection. Things like compliments, verbal encouragement, and frequent "I love you’s” are more valuable than anything else. Verbal expressions that make your partner feel loved can also be written down, so for example texts and love notes left for your partner to find are also meaningful. A shared journal is a great way to incorporate affirmations into your daily life and don’t worry if you don’t have experience writing - so long as the words are genuine and from the heart that’s all that matters. James uses the Waffle journal with his wife for positive affirmations and it has helped them each to feel more cherished by the other.

Why Does Your Love Language Matter?

Think back on a time when you’ve been trying to communicate something in vain to your partner - has this thought ever flashed through your mind…

“Ugh, I feel like I’m speaking a different language!”

Well, you might actually have been if you both speak a different love language. Understanding your own and your partner’s love language can dramatically improve communication by knowing how the other person experiences love and appreciation. 

Here’s why it matters so much:

• Avoid Relationship Misfires: when you know exactly what your partner values, showing love becomes easier. 

• Deepens Your Bond: when you know each other’s love languages you pave the way to a more fulfilling relationship characterized by deep emotional intimacy.

• Creates Reciprocity: when you are both communicating in each other’s primary love languages you will create a cycle of generosity and thoughtfulness that can keep the relationship feeling fresh and exciting.

How Your Childhood Experiences Shape Your Love Language

What made you feel super loved as a child? Was it your mom's tight bear hugs after a long day at school, or maybe the surprise treats your dad brought home just because? Or perhaps it was the undivided attention your parents gave you during game night that made you feel like the most important kid in the world.

Our childhood experiences shape our emotional blueprints in many different ways. The ways our parents expressed love and affection often become the ways we expect (and prefer) to receive love as adults. Here’s how that works:

Modeling Behavior 

If your parents regularly showed affection through kind words and praises, you might lean towards "Words of Affirmation" as your love language. We often love how we were loved, mimicking the affection we received during our formative years.

Filling Voids

On the flip side, if certain expressions of love were lacking, for example, say physical affection, you might find yourself valuing "Physical Touch" more highly as an adult, craving what you missed during childhood.

Understanding the roots of your love language can give you some insights into why certain gestures mean so much to you and why others might fall flat.

What is The Acts of Service Love Language?

If your primary love language is acts of service it’s likely you ascribe to the adage “actions speak louder than words”. In relationships this love language is all about rolling up your sleeves and expressing love by doing!

Acts of service involves those thoughtful little tasks you undertake to ease your loved ones workload or to-do list. It's about spotting things that you can do to make your person’s day a bit easier and a bit lighter. Whether it's fixing a leaky faucet, a home cooked meal when they've had a tough day, or simply filling up their car with gas, it's the thought and effort behind these actions that count.

Here's why service acts are so impactful in relationships:

They Shows You’re Paying Attention

When you go out of your way to help a person with a task they dread or to preemptively solve a problem, it shows that you're tuned in to what's happening in their life.

They Reduces Stress

Modern life can be overwhelming. By picking up some slack, you’re essentially saying, “Let me lighten your load,” allowing your partner to breathe a little easier.

It’s About Effort 

Acts of service aren't about grand gestures - they're about consistent, small acts of kindness that accumulate over time, showing that you’re committed and in it for the long haul.

For someone whose primary love language is acts of service, these actions are worth more than the most expensive gift. They feel loved when they see tangible evidence that their partner is thinking of them and cares enough to spend time making an effort. 

Acts of Service Love Language Examples

Here are some great acts of service examples that you can use if this is your partner’s primary love language: 

• Prepare your partner a nice meal for breakfast to start their day off in a healthy way.

• Make your partner’s favorite meal for dinner and wash the dishes.

• Fill the car with gas and take it to the carwash so it’s delivered back clean.

• Plan and pack a surprise picnic with all of their favorite foods (fun activities count as acts of service too).

• Handle a week’s worth of grocery shopping, stocking up on their favorite snacks and essentials.

• Take over bedtime duties with the kids for a night giving them some much-needed downtime.

• Fix something that’s broken without being asked.

• Clean out and organize a cluttered area of the home, such as the garage or attic.

• Run errands when your partner is feeling sick so they can concentrate on resting without worrying about everything that needs to be done.

• Set up the coffeemaker the night before, so they wake up to freshly brewed morning coffee.

• Do the laundry, including washing, drying, and folding clothes (or drop off and collect the dry cleaning).

• Pay the bills, ensuring everything is up-to-date and organized.

• Organize digital backups of important files or photos to secure memories and important documents.

• Hire someone to deep-clean the house (extra points if you take them out for a romantic date night so the house stays clean for longer).

• Change the sheets on the bed for fresh and comfortable sleep (or any other household chores like vacuuming, dishes, tidying up).

• Make a special lunch for them to take to work, filled with their favorite foods.

• Show your partner love by handling all the annual renewals and subscriptions (or other equally annoying household chores).

• Take the pets for their vet check-up.

• Manage the tech set up of a new device.

• Mow the lawn.

How to Give Acts of Service Love Language to Your Partner

When you perform acts of service in your relationship for your partner, here’s how to ensure you get it right every time - this is especially important if you both speak different love languages.

Get to Know Their Preferences: Understanding your partner's needs and preferences is crucial. Consider maintaining a shared journal, like the Waffle journal, where you both can jot down thoughts, preferences, and daily experiences. This not only helps you stay connected but also offers a treasure trove of information about what truly makes your partner feel loved. Stephen says using the Waffle journal with his fiance has really helped them both to feel seen, heard and loved.

It’s the Little Things: Remember, when you perform acts of service it doesn’t have to be big, grandiose gestures. Sometimes, it's the small things in relationships, like taking over a dreaded chore, that can deeply touch your partner's heart. These thoughtful actions show you care about their day-to-day life.

Listen: Make it a habit to ask your partner what acts of service they value most. This not only shows that you care about making them happy but also ensures your efforts are well-targeted and genuinely appreciated.

Work With Your Schedule: Integrating acts of service into your life shouldn’t be a burden. Focus on what fits naturally into your daily routine - this is especially important if your love languages are different. For example, if you get home earlier than your partner, getting started with dinner while you wait for them is an easy thing you can do to make your evening together less rushed and more enjoyable.

Sync Your Calendars: Use your partner’s calendar as a guide to find the perfect times to surprise them with acts of service. For example, if their morning workout means they have no time for breakfast before work, making them breakfast to-go is an act of service you can do to show you really care.

Play to Your Strengths: Everyone has unique talents and abilities. Utilize yours to provide acts of service that not only help your partner but also allow you to enjoy the process. If you're tech-savvy and your partner isn’t, managing electronic files or fixing gadgets around the house can be your way of showing love in the relationship.

Be Dependable: Reliability is key. If you promise to do something, make sure you follow through. This builds trust and shows that your partner can count on your actions.

Mind the Details: Paying attention to the little things, like their preferences for certain tasks, can make your acts of service more personal and impactful. Anticipating their needs not only makes life easier for them but also shows how much you care.

Keep the Lines Open: Effective communication is the backbone of any relationship. Regularly discuss how you can better serve each other’s needs. Using a tool like the Waffle journal to express appreciation for your partner’s acts of service can enhance your connection and make your efforts more meaningful. Jaydeep says that using Waffle with his partner has made it easy for them to recognize each other for small, simple things, like doing tedious chores.

Top Tip to Make Acts of Service Meaningful for Your Partner

When it comes to love languages, the key to getting it right is to focus on what’s meaningful for your partner rather than how you might interpret something. 

For partner’s who speak different love languages, this is especially important - doing the dishes every night thinking you’re expressing love when all your partner wants is for you to bath the kids so they can sit down after a long day is going to land you in relationship hot water faster than you can say “love languages”!

When your partner’s love language is acts of service, it’s so important to ask them what they value and do those tasks instead of just the ones you want to do. 

An easy way to overcome this stumbling block in relationships is to ask your partner to use the Waffle journal to write a list of weekly tasks that would make their life easier and set about tackling these during the week.

How to Receive the Love Language “Acts of Service” 

Learning to express love through acts of service is just half the equation - knowing how to receive these gestures is equally important in relationships. 

Be Gracious: Sometimes, the acts of service your partner performs might not be their favorite things to do. Remember, if they're taking the time to tackle a task - especially one that's time consuming or one they don’t particularly enjoy - it’s a big sign of their commitment and love for you. 

Recognize their sacrifice - let them know you see and appreciate their hard work, which will likely encourage them to continue these gestures of love.

Don’t Criticize: Always express your thanks, even if the task isn’t completed perfectly. If something isn’t done exactly how you would have done it, resist the urge to correct or criticize. The essence of love languages is about the intention behind the action rather than the execution itself. 

Criticism, especially if the act is already out of your partner's comfort zone, can feel disheartening. When your partner’s love language is acts of service, it’s always the thought that counts and where the focus should be.

Common Misunderstandings About the Acts of Service Love Language

While acts of service is one of the most beautiful of the five love languages, it often comes with its share of misconceptions.

Here are some common ones:

It’s All About Big Gestures: One of the biggest myths about acts of service is that they need to be elaborate to mean something. In reality, it's often the smallest acts in relationships that carry the most weight because it shows you’re noticing the tiny details.

It Means Being a Servant: Some might worry that focusing on acts of service means turning into a personal assistant or servant. Not at all! This love language is about mutual care and support, not one-sided servitude.

It's Just Doing Chores: While acts of service can include everyday tasks, it’s not just about ticking chores off a list. It’s about noticing what will make your partner feel most valued and taken care of.

It’s Not Romantic: Some might dismiss acts of service as lacking romance, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. When done right, an act of service can be deeply romantic because it shows attentiveness to your partner's needs and happiness.

What Hurts a Person Who Speaks The Acts of Service Love Language?

When acts of service is your primary preference of the five love languages, certain things can be quite hurtful. 

If your partner values acts of service, don’t:

• Neglect their requests for assistance 

• Fail to follow through on promises 

• Forget to show initiative in sharing tasks

• Forget to show appreciation when they perform acts of service for you

• Criticize how they perform tasks, especially when they’re done with the intent to lighten your load

The Acts of Service Love Language in Long Distance Relationships

The acts of service love language is definitely more challenging than other love languages in a long distance relationship but if you’re a creative and committed person it’s definitely not an insurmountable obstacle. 

Using an app like the Waffle journal can be a fun way to close the distance when you don’t live near each other. Justeen has said that using Waffle with her long distance boyfriend has really helped them get to know each other better despite the distance.

Here are some great ideas for acts of service in your long distance relationship:

• Order groceries to be delivered to their doorstep when you know they have a busy week ahead

• Send them a meal from their favorite restaurant when they're too tired to cook. 

• Help manage their online tasks, like scheduling necessary appointments or organizing email inboxes

• Arrange to have their house cleaned, or set up a laundry service to take care of that tedious chore

• Organize a babysitter and plan a relaxing or fun day out for them

• Send them a care package with items that make their life easier, like new kitchen gadgets or self-care products

When you do have the opportunity to visit, plan your stay around activities and tasks that you know they’d appreciate your help with. Use this time to binge on those acts of service, whether it’s fixing things around their place, cooking together, or simply running errands that are easier with two sets of hands. These visits can be concentrated quality time to show love through service, making every moment count.

What To Do If You Have Different Love Languages

When navigating a relationship where you and your partner don't share the same love language, it's essential to embrace the diversity of your emotional expressions as a strength rather than a challenge. Recognizing that you each might speak different love languages allows you to craft a more tailored and meaningful romantic experience. 

Start by being upfront about your preferences and the ways you feel most loved. Consider using a shared journal to document and discuss your differences and explore how you can each accommodate the other's needs effectively. This practice can lead to deeper understanding and emotional intimacy, like Delia discovered when she started journaling with her partner.

By acknowledging and valuing your partner’s love language as much as your own, you set the stage for a relationship that thrives on mutual respect, understanding, and love.

Last Thoughts

Are you curious about love languages? Take this free quiz and find out what your love language is and use it to improve your relationship. 

**If you want to read more about the way people give and receive love, you can order the five love languages book by Gary Chapman from Moody Publishers, here.