A lack of empathy is emerging as one of the biggest societal crises of the modern era. 

This erosion of empathy is a core factor in the loneliness epidemic that has swept across the globe since 2020. 

Ironically, despite society being more connected than ever thanks to huge technological leaps, our sense of humanity is at risk.

Human beings have an instinctive need for connection. We were designed to live in community with others. 

But, to create deep, meaningful, and genuine bonds with others, we need a key ingredient…

And that’s empathy!

So, What Exactly is Empathy?

Think of empathy as a superpower that lets you step into someone’s shoes and truly feel what that person feels. It’s like having a mental and emotional WIFI that connects you to the people around you and helps you to be more compassionate and supportive. 

This shared understanding makes you somewhat of an emotional archaeologist because it  involves digging beneath the surface of what we see and hear and reaching deeply into the other person’s way of experiencing life and the world around them. 

Most people think of empathy as a quality that you either have or you don’t. But research suggests that empathy is not a fixed trait with a certain amount given to us at birth that we carry through life. Rather, empathy is more fluid, operating on a dynamic spectrum that can vary depending on our personal experiences, specific circumstances and the people we interact with.  

Sympathy VS Empathy

While often used interchangeably, sympathy and empathy are distinct emotional responses to the experiences of others. Sympathy involves recognizing someone else's pain and feeling pity or sorrow for their situation. It’s a more surface-level reaction or detached form of concern that doesn’t necessarily involve understanding the other person’s emotions or sharing them. It’s the “Oh shame, how terrible” platitude and then you move on with your day.

Empathy, on the other hand, is the ability to step into another person’s shoes, to understand and feel their emotions as if they were your own. It’s a deeper, more immersive connection that allows us to genuinely understand what someone is going through.

How does this look in practice?

Picture a situation where a friend confides that they’re feeling overwhelmed by the demands of caring for a new baby along with 2 older kids. A sympathetic response might be, “ Oh, yeah, that sounds exhausting. I’m sorry.” This shows concern but doesn’t fully engage with their experience. 

An empathetic response could be, “It’s incredibly challenging juggling everything with so little rest. If you need a break or someone to talk to, I’m here to help.” After saying that, you deliver some homemade freezer meals to the new mom and maybe take her older kids for a playdate with yours to give her some peace and practical relief from cooking. This response resonates more deeply, offering understanding and support that feels more personal and genuine.

What Does it Mean to Lack Empathy?

People who lack empathy have a blind spot in their emotional perception and response system. In the world of social relationships much of our interaction plays out in underlying emotional tones and non-verbal communication like body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. People who lack empathy have a diminished capacity to recognize, understand, and react appropriately to people’s feelings - they’re tone-deaf and disconnected from the emotional landscape of others. 

Types of Empathy

While studies into empathy are quite new, researchers have identified 3 main levels of empathy that manifest in different ways. These are compassionate, cognitive, and emotional empathy. Let’s take a closer look.

Cognitive Empathy is The Desire to Understand

Cognitive empathy is like being a mind reader - not in the supernatural sense, of course, but in the ability to intellectually understand other people’s emotions. 

It involves using your imagination to see the world from the other person’s perspective. Cognitive empathy doesn’t necessarily mean that you feel the same way as them, just that you can comprehend their perspective.

For example, Anne notices that Maia often changes the topic of conversation when her recent break-up comes up. Anne uses cognitive empathy to realize that Maia is still feeling vulnerable and fragile about the break-up and decides to wait until Maia brings it up again to talk it through.

When people lack empathy, they have difficulty understanding emotional situations and someone else’s feelings. They cannot imagine why someone is feeling sad, upset, or angry, because they don’t have the ability to put themselves in that person’s shoes and see things from their perspective.

Emotional Empathy is The Desire to Feel

Emotional empathy (also known as affective empathy) is the ability to physically feel another person’s feelings (joy, sorrow, frustration) as if they were your own. With this type of empathy it’s almost as if other people’s feelings are contagious!

Not everyone can experience empathy on this emotional level but if you can you will have deeply rewarding social connections characterized by a profound sense of compassion.

For example, Joe shares with his friend Mike that he has lost his job and is worried about being able to provide for his young family. While telling the story Joe tears up with overwhelming emotion. This resonates deeply with Mike, not just cognitively but deep within his own feelings. Mike also gets tearful as Joe relates his fears, worries, and doubts. This demonstrates a shared emotional connection between Joe and Mike that goes far beyond a surface level friendship.  

Someone who lacks emotional empathy will have difficulty feeling other people’s feelings themselves. They may understand and even be motivated to help, but they don’t feel the emotion themself.

Compassionate Empathy is The Desire to Help and Support

Compassionate empathy goes beyond understanding and feeling what others do and involves an action component. This type of empathy makes people highly motivated to engage in helping behaviors that will alleviate the person’s distress. 

Compassionate empathy drives a person to act and can take many forms, ranging from comforting and supporting someone through a difficult time, small acts of kindness, or more substantial efforts to improve someone’s situation. 

For example, after seeing news of a devastating flood in another country, Mary feels compelled to help. She organizes a fundraising event in her community to send aid and supplies. This demonstrates compassionate empathy because she is taking concrete action to alleviate the suffering of those affected by the natural disaster.

When a person lacks compassionate empathy they may understand someone’s feelings, they may even feel them as well, but they don’t actively work to make the situation better. 

Is Lack of Empathy a Mental Illness? 

While low empathy alone is not classified as a mental health condition, it is often observed as a fundamental part of various neurological conditions and psychological disorders.

To practice empathy a person has to engage multiple cognitive and emotional processes to understand and share the feelings of others. When people face challenges in exhibiting empathetic behaviors, it may indicate a psychological condition. 

For example, conditions like Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) are characterized by difficulties in emotional processing and social interactions. These are rooted in neurological divergences that affect how individuals perceive and respond to social cues. People diagnosed with disorders such as schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder or borderline personality disorder often show a marked deficiency in understanding and expressing emotions and therefore engage in fewer empathetic behaviors.

So, while there is a direct link between extremely low empathy and some psychological conditions, it's crucial to distinguish between those who naturally have a lesser degree of empathy and those for whom this is part of a broader neurological condition.

What is Empathy Deficit Disorder?

While this is not officially a mental disorder and is not listed in the DSM-V manual (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), Douglas LaBier coined this term for a cluster of symptoms indicative of a lack of empathy. 

Empathy Deficit Disorder (EDD) is characterized by consistent difficulty in engaging with the emotional experiences of others. Individuals with EDD might seem a bit out of sync in social situations, like laughing when others don’t, or not picking up on a friend's subtle hints of being upset. 

It’s not that the person doesn’t care or can’t ever understand others - it’s just that they have a tough time seeing things from someone else's perspective or really feeling what they feel. This makes it trickier to nurture relationships because the EDD person’s lack of empathy and resulting “bad behavior” makes them seem emotionally unavailable.  

Nature vs Nurture - The Age Old Debate!

When it comes to empathy, the big question is: Are we born with it or do we pick it up along the way?

Research suggests that certain aspects of empathy are present from birth. Small babies show signs of feelings for others, for example, crying when they hear another baby cry. This means that there is something hardwired into us that gears us up to feel empathy. 

Neurological Evidence for Empathy…

Mirror neurons play a fascinating role in how we understand and share the feelings of others. Discovered in the 1990s, these neurons fire when we perform an action and when we observe the same action performed by someone else. This mirroring process helps us "feel" what another person is feeling without needing to actually experience it ourselves. 

For example, when you see someone smiling, your mirror neurons for smiling activate, creating a faint echo of the emotion associated with smiling. 

This neurological mimicry allows us to be empathetic by making it easier to connect with others on an emotional level. By literally feeling a version of their emotions, we gain a deeper appreciation and understanding of what others are going through, reinforcing our social bonds.

Psychosocial Influences: How Empathy Develops in Childhood…

Social interactions, cultural norms, and educational experiences (AKA nurture and environment) all contribute to shaping your empathetic ability over time. During childhood, the way parents and caregivers respond to a child’s needs and emotions sets the foundation for how children learn to respond to others.

Children learn by observing and imitating the behavior of those around them - when a child sees an adult reacting with kindness and understanding toward someone else’s feelings, they internalize this and start to mimic these responses, thus developing empathy.

This has huge implications as it means that empathy is in part a learned behavior that takes conscious effort to perfect. Accordingly, someone who lacks empathy and is struggling with interpersonal relationships can become a more empathetic person with some practice.

IMPORTANT NOTE:

Not everyone remembers that children watch and absorb everything. You need to be fully aware of both your conscious and unconscious effort to teach your child to be an empathetic person. Telling your child to go hug a crying friend who’s sandcastle has fallen down in the sandpit is no good if you don’t respond the same way when a crying friend turns up on your doorstep needing comfort. What you say and what you do must align if your child is going to learn how to express empathy from you. 

The Impact of Social Media and Online Communication on Empathy

The rise of social media and online communication has dramatically reshaped how we interact with each other and has had significant implications for empathy in society.

As digital communication has increased, face-to-face interactions have decreased. Email, SMS and apps like WhatsApp, Twitter, Instagram, and X mean that we are primarily interacting with people through screens. We are missing out on the myriad of emotional signals, like body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions, that help us truly understand and connect with others.

Moreover, without the accountability that face-to-face interactions often impose, some people may engage in behavior that disregards others feelings, such as trolling or cyberbullying. Online anonymity has led to an overall decrease in human empathy and there needs to be a shift towards proactive efforts to lead with empathy in online interactions.

Signs of a Lack of Empathy 

Here are some telltale signs that a person has trouble expressing empathy. 

Inability to Understand or Relate to Others Feelings

This is the key factor in a lack of empathy. Some people find it really hard to grasp where others are coming from emotionally because they do not have the ability to assume the other person’s perspective. This is directly related to someone’s emotional intelligence. Low emotional intelligence goes hand in hand with low empathy. 

Dismissive or Insensitive Comments

Has anyone ever told you “just get over it” when you’re feeling down? That’s a classic sign of a lack of empathy.

A person who lacks empathy will often downplay someone's emotions or respond with criticism and judgment. They might even blame a person for their own hardships and say things like, “it’s their own fault they’re in that situation”. 

Difficulty Regulating Your Own Emotions

When people lack empathy they may have a hard time keeping their own emotions in check. They might explode in anger over minor issues or take offense very easily, reacting more intensely than the situation warrants. On the flip side they may trivialize someone's distress or laugh at someone who is upset because they fail to grasp the emotional context of a viewpoint different to their own. 

A lack of empathy often shows up as impatience and high levels of frustration with emotional people, for example, becoming irritated when someone is crying.

People with low empathy often can’t see the other side of the argument, which makes forgiving and letting go really hard - holding grudges is often a trait of someone who lacks empathy. 

Lack of Interest in Other People 

It's not just about being self centered, because to a certain degree we are all absorbed in our own lives. It’s more about having little curiosity about what's going on with others and being indifferent to other people’s troubles or even their successes.

People who lack empathy often have poor listening skills. During conversations, they might interrupt, give unsolicited advice, or simply zone out. This isn't just bad manners - it's a sign they're not really connecting emotionally with the speaker.

Difficulty Maintaining Relationships

Sustaining meaningful relationships can be challenging for those who lack empathy. They may come across as self-centered or uncaring and indifferent, leading to strained or shallow connections with friends, family, and colleagues.

When a person lacks empathy they often find themselves in conflicts and misunderstandings because their rigid viewpoints, poor communication, and insensitivity can lead to frequent arguments and relationship breakdowns.

Take the Empathy Test…

There are a number of free resources online to test how empathetic you are. These tests are usually a series of questions which you answer (honestly) and then your score reveals your level of empathy. These can be quite useful in knowing where you fall short and giving guidance on how to improve the quality of your interactions with others. 

Here are 2 tests we love:

• Psychology Today - Empathy Quiz

• Empathy Quotient (EQ) - Psychology Tools

Consequences of a Lack of Empathy

When empathy is missing, the ripple effects can be profound affecting everything from our closest relationships to broader societal dynamics.

Interpersonal Relationships

Without empathy, personal relationships and family dynamics can become strained leading to frequent misunderstandings and conflicts. When people feel isolated it leads to a rise in physical and mental health issues. People need other people to be healthy.

Workplace Environment

A lack of empathy in the workplace leads to communication breakdowns between employees which impacts collaboration and teamwork. No organization can operate effectively if the workers are not getting along.

Team leaders and managers who lack empathy for the people who work under them run the risk of upsetting employee morale. This behavior affects motivation and productivity and leads to a hostile work environment where employees are dissatisfied and feel they’re not seen and heard. 

Societal Impact

At a macro-level, a lack of empathy leads to societal division. When people are unable or unwilling to understand different perspectives, societal disagreements can escalate into deep-seated conflicts, racism, hatred and all the things we have fought for centuries to overcome. 

Empathy is at the heart of a unified and peaceful world.

Tips To Improve Your Empathy

The good news is that a person who is not empathetic can always work hard to change that. We all have the ability to improve ourselves if we want to. Here are some top tips to flip the script on a lack of empathy.

Observe Others

One way to improve your empathy is by consciously observing the people around you. Pay attention to their body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. These non-verbal cues can reveal a lot about what someone is feeling, even if they don't explicitly say it. By tuning into these subtle signals, you can start to piece together the emotional context of their actions and words. The more you practice, the better you’ll get.

Listen to Others - Actively

Hearing and listening are two different things. Active listening requires you to be fully engaged and focused on the speaker, not simply passively hearing words. Active listening means understanding their words, grasping the emotions behind them, and responding thoughtfully. By truly listening, you signal to the other person that their feelings and thoughts matter to you - a cornerstone of developing better empathy.

Practice Naming Your Own Emotions

A person who isn’t self-aware cannot show empathy to others. Practice naming and accepting your feelings, especially those that are uncomfortable or challenging. When you're familiar with your own feelings, you become more comfortable with the emotions of others. This self-awareness leads to vulnerability, a powerful state that allows you to connect with others on a deeper level, and voilá - empathy!

Practice Your Communication Skills

Once you’ve acknowledged, named, and owned your emotions, it’s time to communicate them with someone. A fun way to do this is with a shared journal like Waffle. By exchanging journal entries with a loved one, you can get comfortable expressing your thoughts and feelings and reacting empathically to theirs. Delia says that using Waffle improved her communication and understanding of her partner and strengthened their bond.

Seek Out Opportunities for Prosocial Behavior 

Offer to help others for no other reason than to make their lives easier or better. These unselfish acts of kindness, whether helping a neighbor with groceries or volunteering at a local charity, allow you to step into the shoes of others and understand their needs and challenges. 

How To Cope If a Loved One Lacks Empathy

It can be really hard to live with a person who is unempathetic, but there are some things you can do to protect your sense of self so that it doesn’t erode you emotionally.

Don’t Take it Personally 

When your partner lacks empathy it can feel hurtful and personal, but it’s important to remember that their inability to connect emotionally often isn't about you. Various factors, such as their upbringing, past traumas, or even innate neurological differences, could affect their empathetic responses. Recognizing that their lack of empathy is more about their own emotional limitations than a reflection of their feelings towards you can help you maintain perspective. This understanding allows you to interact with them more effectively.

Open Communication 

Clear and open communication is key when coping with a partner who is not empathetic. It’s important for your own mental health to express how their actions or lack of emotional response affects you, but you should do so in a way that is non-confrontational and constructive. 

Use "I" statements to convey your feelings, such as "I feel unimportant when my feelings aren’t acknowledged." This approach not only helps prevent the conversation from becoming accusatory but also allows your loved one to understand your perspective without feeling attacked.

A shared journal like Waffle is a great way to document these exchanges and keep track of “empathy progress”.

Be Patient

A person cannot develop empathy overnight - it’s a long and sometimes difficult process, so be patient, kind, and understanding - show them the empathy you want to see in them!

Set Boundaries… and Hold Them

Boundaries help to protect your emotional well-being and clarify what behaviors you find acceptable and which you do not. Communicate these boundaries clearly and calmly, and be firm about enforcing them. 

For example, you might decide that dismissive comments during serious conversations are off-limits. 

Therapy 

Seeking the support of a mental health professional can also help you navigate life with someone who lacks empathy. A qualified and experienced therapist can give you both strategies to improve communication and understand each other's emotional worlds better. 

When Empathy Takes a Dark Turn…

Empathy is so often touted as a desirable trait that sometimes we don’t consider the flip side. 

How Much Empathy is Too Much Empathy?

Hyper empathy syndrome refers to an individual’s excessive or overactive response to the emotions of others. Those with this condition experience an unusually high level of empathy, to the extent that they deeply feel the emotions of others as if they were their own. This can range from intense feelings of sadness when seeing someone cry, to overwhelming joy when others are happy and can lead to emotional overload, exhaustion, and distress.

What Is Empathy Fatigue?

Empathy fatigue is caused by continually feeling the need to be supportive and compassionate towards others while neglecting your own emotional needs.

These high levels of emotional stress over a prolonged period leads to a diminished capacity to empathize with others. This is not just a temporary decrease in empathy but a more profound emotional and physical exhaustion that significantly impairs your ability to function in life.

What Is a Dark Empath?

This is a relatively new psychological concept. It refers to someone who has a blend of empathic abilities and dark personality traits such as narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy, which are often referred to as the "Dark Triad”. 

Dark empaths can understand and resonate with the emotions of others, however, unlike traditional empaths who are generally driven by genuine care and concern, dark empaths may use their understanding of other's emotions for personal gain, manipulation, or to achieve their own ends.

A dark empath is often charming, socially skilled, and an expert at emotional manipulation. They ooze charisma and are difficult to identify and manage because their bad behavior is cloaked beneath inauthentic empathy. 

Last Thoughts 

Our world would be a much better place if we all actively sought to infuse our interactions with others with empathy.

With all the problems in modern society, it’s time we all tried a little harder to treat others as we would like to be treated, don’t you think?