Imagine never needing anyone else… 

Not for advice, not for support, not for love. You handle every challenge alone, you don’t depend on anyone for anything, and never ask for help because you can do it all yourself. 

Sounds empowering, doesn't it? 

This is the seductive allure of hyper independence - the belief that total self reliance is not just possible, but preferable.

In a world that often equates independence with strength, the idea of hyper independence can seem like the ultimate achievement. It's a narrative championed by countless success stories and motivational speeches with the theme, “I did it my way!”. 

Yet, beneath this illusion of invulnerability lies a complex, often misunderstood phenomenon. Hyper independence isn't about being strong and capable - it's actually a coping mechanism born from the deep wells of past traumas and unmet needs.

What is Hyper Independence?

Hyper independence is a conscious and intentional choice to handle all aspects of your life without any external help or support. It goes beyond being self-sufficient (which is healthy independence and a desirable behavioral trait), and morphs into what can only be described as toxic independence. 

This extreme independence is not simply about doing things alone - it manifests as a relentless drive to avoid depending on others for anything. At its core, toxic independence is a protective psychological barrier against past experiences of trauma or neglect. People with this mindset often view depending on others as a weakness or as a threat to their autonomy, leading them to push away help even when it’s necessary. 

This, of course, is not a sustainable way to live and can lead to isolation. This has a negative impact on emotional well being and the ability to live a fulfilling life because it prevents the person from forming meaningful connections with others.

Meet Hyper Independent Hannah…

At 28, Hannah is the epitome of success. As a senior software engineer at a leading tech company, she not only excels in her field but is also admired by her peers for her ability to tackle complex projects entirely on her own. She dismisses the idea of teamwork and while this has accelerated her career progression, it has also isolated her within her company because she maintains a polite but distant rapport with her colleagues.

Living in a sleek, minimalist apartment in the city, Hannah manages every aspect of her life with the same efficiency she applies at work. From her finances to her fitness routine, she requires no guidance or input from others. Her social media profiles, filled with images of solo vacations, perfectly plated home-cooked meals for one, and morning runs, tell the story of a woman who has it all under control.

She doesn’t ask for advice from others, resists delegating tasks, and maintains careful emotional distance in her surface-level friendships. On the romance front, she has only had a few short-lived situationships which have fizzled out due to lack of emotional intimacy. She has a deep-seated belief that other people are unreliable and depending on them will only lead to disappointment.

Typical Signs of Hyper Independence

Hyper independence doesn’t manifest the same way for everyone. There are, however, some common hyper independent tendencies that are hallmarks of this condition.

Overachieving and Perfectionism -  hyper independent people might take on more than they can realistically handle, trying to prove they can do it all without help. They have high standards and like to get things right. 

Lone Wolf Mindset: Asking for help or accepting offered help is a tough challenge for hyper independent people. 

Difficulty Maintaining Healthy Relationships: Holding back personal details might make hyper independent people appear secretive or overly private. Being guarded means that forming emotional connections (platonic or romantic) is difficult. This results in social isolation.

Mistrust and Intense Fear of Vulnerability: Hyper independent people assume others will betray them, making it exceptionally difficult for them to open up, trust, and form meaningful relationships.

Burnout: Hyper independent behaviors often lead to exhaustion. Without the relief of sharing responsibilities, stress and burnout are inevitable.

Social Anxiety and Depression: High emotional walls and extreme isolation can lead to loneliness. This has a profound effect on a person and can lead to mental health issues like social anxiety and depression.

Is Hyper Independence a Mental Health Condition?

Hyper independence is not recognized as an official mental illness that you can receive a diagnosis for. However, this doesn’t lessen the impact it has on a person’s mental health.

Other Mental Health Conditions Associated With Hyper Independence 

Hyper independence is not a disorder itself but it frequently coexists with and exacerbates other mental health conditions, contributing to a cycle of emotional distress and maladaptive behaviors.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) makes the signs of hyper independence more obvious because traumatic events have made it difficult to trust others and ask for support.

Childhood trauma can significantly increase the risk of adult psychiatric disorders, for example, conditions like Avoidant, Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Personality Disorder are more prevalent. These disorders often feature patterns of hyper independence due to fears of inadequacy, abandonment, or a deep need for control, further complicating the individual's ability to form healthy relationships and learn healthy coping mechanisms.

What Causes Hyper Independence?

Hannah’s Story…

When Hannah was 10 her mom died in a car accident. Her father, overwhelmed by grief and the responsibility of single parenthood, threw himself into his work and was not attentive to Hannah and her 2 younger brothers. Hannah, just a little girl herself, was not only left alone, missing her mom, but she also had to assume the responsibility of caring for her younger siblings. She cooked meals, cleaned up, got the boys ready for school and saw them to the bus, she supervised their homework, settled squabbles and handled more of the household than any child should. Her father, even when physically present, was emotionally distant - available only in the most superficial ways. He was unable to cope with any displays of neediness. Growing up with all this responsibility at such a young age, Hannah learned that she couldn’t depend on anyone else to meet her needs and she became fiercely independent. This wasn’t just about self reliance, it was about protecting herself from the emotional neglect and unreliability she had come to expect from the world around her. 

Growing up in an environment where being overly independent is emphasized can often set the stage for hyper independence later in life. If a child is expected to take on developmentally inappropriate responsibilities they're likely to internalize the belief that relying on others is risky or even unacceptable. This sentiment is often more ingrained in those who've experienced childhood trauma, such as emotional neglect or the absence of caregivers. When children are forced to handle adult responsibilities as a result of traumatic experiences, they quickly learn that they cannot depend on others to meet their most basic needs. Over time, this lack of reliable support teaches them that people are not to be trusted with their well being. As a defense mechanism, they develop hyper independence as a shield against further harm. 

Is Hyper Independence a Trauma Response?

Hannah’s Trauma…

The roots of Hannah’s fierce independence can be traced back to the traumatic events in her childhood and responsibility that was not appropriate for her age. Thrust into the role of caretaker for her younger siblings, Hannah learned early on that depending on others was not an option. This wasn't just Hannah stepping up in times of need - it was her survival strategy. Without a reliable adult to lean on, Hannah had no choice but to develop self reliance. 

As Hannah grew older, this evolved into hyper independence. Her reluctance to rely on others wasn't just a personal preference - it was a trauma response. What started as a response to traumatic events became a deeply ingrained part of who she was, shaping every decision she made from her personal relationships to her professional achievements.

**Hannah is a classic example of how the things we go through when we’re young (developmental trauma) can shape us in ways we don’t even realize (enduring stress response).

Hyper independence and trauma are often two sides of the same coin. 

Hyper independence is often a stress response to childhood trauma, but can also stem from past trauma experienced by young adults (for example, toxic relationships or sexual abuse). From a young age, children learn to manage their negative emotions and build resilience from those who care for them. These interactions help them feel valued and understood, essential components in learning healthy coping mechanisms.

However, when a child faces inconsistency, with caregivers who are emotionally unavailable or as a result of a traumatic event, they don’t learn the healthier coping mechanisms that others do. When a child constantly has to handle emotional challenges alone, hyper independent behaviors can develop as trauma responses. This is especially exacerbated if there's neglect or abuse, where the child must adapt quickly and find ways to protect themselves from further emotional harm.

Hyper independent people who have faced childhood trauma exposure use independence as a shield against further hurt, neglect, abandonment or rejection. This emotional response protects their mental health from the pain of past relationships in the absence of healthier coping strategies.

Hyper Independence Trauma Symptoms 

Not everyone will experience hyper independence trauma symptoms the same way but some of the common signs of hyper independence trauma are: 

Feeling Undeserving of Help, Shame and Guilt: Hyper independent individuals believe they don’t deserve help or emotional support, so they don’t ask. There’s often a sense of shame associated with asking for help, as if needing others is a sign of weakness. 

Isolation: Pulling away from social interactions is typical, as solitude feels safer than the perceived risks of personal relationships. Characteristics of healthier relationships, like sharing feelings or being vulnerable are difficult, leading to emotional distance which reinforces isolation.

Depression: Hyper independent people often feel persistent sadness or emptiness in the absence of healthy relationships.

High-Functioning Anxiety: A need to control every outcome can lead to perfectionism. The hyper independent person may appear successful on the outside but often struggles with intense anxiety on the inside.

Self Harm: Sometimes the traumatic situation leads young adults to thoughts of self-harm or behaviors that endanger well-being, including substance abuse.

Desire for Control: For a hyper independent person, maintaining control is synonymous with safety, even if it's just an illusion.

What Causes a Trauma Response?

A trauma response is the body and mind’s way of trying to relieve trauma symptoms and preserve mental health in the wake of a distressing event that threatens our sense of safety.

These events can lead to traumatic memories that persist, causing long-lasting psychological scars that keep a person in a continuous state of high alert. This often manifests as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, where people relive traumatic experiences through intensely distressing thoughts and feelings. Particularly in young adults, one common way to cope with these memories is hyper independence. Initially, hyper independence seems to alleviate stress by avoiding the vulnerability associated with emotional connections. However, over time, the avoidance of intimacy with others no longer soothes the hyper independence trauma and leads to other debilitating symptoms.  

Hyper Independence as a Coping Mechanism

Hannah’s Story…

When Hannah was 17 she met a boy and they started dating. After a few months Hannah was deeply in love and convinced he was her soul mate. She began to let her guard down and trust him. After a year, she found out that he had been cheating on her from the beginning. He showed no remorse and ridiculed her for being so emotional when they broke up. This betrayal strengthened her belief that relying on others only led to pain and disappointment. From then on, her hyper independent tendencies intensified and she vowed never to let her guard down ever again.

Hyper independence sometimes develops as a coping mechanism when someone has been badly hurt in toxic relationships whether from emotional or physical abuse or betrayals like cheating and lying. People associate vulnerability with heartache and learn not to trust. Hyper independence becomes the tactic of choice to prevent the betrayal from happening again. 

How Does Hyper Independence Impact Close Relationships?

Overall, hyper independence often does more harm than good in relationships of all kinds.

Hannah and Michael’s Story Begins…

By the time Hannah reached adulthood, she was adept at keeping people at arm’s length. Relationships felt like liabilities, so she didn’t have them - not with friends, not with her family, and definitely no romantic entanglements. Her interactions at work were superficial to prevent any real dependence or deep emotional engagement.

Then the summer she turned 28 everything changed - she met Michael at a conference. He was charismatic, empathetic, easy to talk to and unexpectedly understanding - and he did what nobody could… he made her laugh. For the first time, Hannah felt a connection with someone, but it was terrifying. As their relationship developed, the tug-of-war between wanting to be with Michael and her ingrained hyper independence trauma responses began.  

Hyper independence puts a lot of strain on relationships because healthy relationships thrive on a balanced exchange of openness and support. Hyper independent individuals often struggle with this give-and-take dynamic, which can leave relationships feeling one-sided and lacking in depth.

Since hyper independent people tend to withhold their emotions and thoughts, maintaining open and healthy communication in romantic relationships becomes a challenge. Establishing intimacy and trust is complicated and partners often feel neglected, unappreciated, and unimportant.

Friends and family might find hyper independent people distant, disengaged and difficult to relate to. In the workplace, hyper independence manifests as a reluctance to delegate or collaborate, which can alienate colleagues and undermine teamwork.

How To Love Hyper Independent Individuals?

Michael’s Story…

Loving someone as fiercely independent as Hannah has been a journey of learning for me. When we first met, I didn't fully grasp the depth of her self-reliance. As someone who thrives on connection, adjusting to her style of independence took patience and a whole lot of understanding.

One of the first lessons I learned was the importance of giving Hannah the time and space she needed. Initially, I mistook her desire for solitude as disinterest in our relationship. Over time, I realized that the moments she spent alone recharged her and made our time together special. I also learned not to take it personally when she chose to tackle problems on her own - something I once thought partners should always do together. It wasn’t a reflection of her feelings towards me - rather, it was just Hannah being Hannah.

Open and honest communication has been hard but it’s something we are working on every day with the help of the Waffle shared journal. It’s a shared app where we can disclose our thoughts and feelings freely with each other and it has been a game changer in helping us build intimacy. Transparency helps me understand her and provides the reassurance she needs that I’m in this relationship by choice. 

Trust didn’t develop overnight. It built up through consistently showing up for her, respecting her boundaries, and proving my reliability time and again. And throughout our time together, I've made a conscious effort to respect and accept her choices, even when they're hard to understand.

This relationship has taught me that loving someone with hyper independence doesn’t mean changing them but accepting who they are and showing her in small ways every day that she can depend on me to be in her life. It’s about finding balance, respecting her need for independence while still working to build intimacy. Our relationship is unique but we are developing a special connection in ways I never expected.

**Here are some incredible prompts to use in your Waffle journal to help you and your partner build intimacy.

Ways to Manage Hyper Independence Outside of Therapy

While therapy is a vital component in managing hyper independence trauma symptoms, taking proactive steps to work on your personal challenges outside of the therapy room is also important in managing your life more effectively.

How Do Hannah and Michael Work Through the Hyper Independence Hurdle?

Build Meaningful Relationships:

Michael encourages Hannah to spend time with her small circle of friends so she can nurture other close relationships outside of theirs. They also attend one social gathering together each month and are working towards going to more social events where Hannah feels safe and comfortable enough to join in and find value in the experience. Hannah’s social anxiety is improving slowly.

Learning to be Vulnerable: 

This was a huge hurdle for Hannah, but with Michael’s gentle encouragement she has slowly started opening up. Journaling in Waffle has become a powerful tool for her, because it allows her a private space to articulate thoughts and fears without judgment. Michael makes it a point to share his own vulnerabilities too, setting a precedent that it’s safe to open up. This mutual exchange of openness has brought them closer, showing Hannah that vulnerability can be a strength, not a weakness.

Self Care:

Hannah has come to realize how important self care is for her mental health. Hannah regularly goes for massages and has started learning how to meditate. Together, they engage in activities like yoga and nature walks, which not only help reduce stress but also offer precious moments of connection away from the bustle of life.

Self Reflection: 

Self reflection has become an important part of Hannah and Michael's lives. They often spend evenings discussing their day, reflecting on their interactions and emotions. This has helped Hannah gain insights into her behaviors and the motivations behind them so she can understand how her past influences her present. She also keeps a self journal on Waffle to help her work through some of her tough emotions before she is comfortable sharing them with Michael or her therapist.

Treating Hyper Independence Professionally

For those grappling with hyper independence, trauma informed care with an experienced mental health professional is essential to help improve hyper independence trauma behaviors and to learn healthier coping mechanisms.

Finding the right therapist who specializes in hyper independence trauma can make a huge difference in the healing process.

Hannah’s Therapy Story…

When Hannah finally acknowledged that her need for extreme independence was holding her back from truly living, she knew she needed professional help. Finding a mental health professional experienced in trauma focused treatment gave her hope that with guidance she could develop healthier coping strategies and live a happier and fuller life. Her therapist uses three common techniques to help Hannah manage her hyper independence behaviors.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT):

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been transformative for Hannah. It’s helped her to identify and change the negative thought patterns that fueled her hyper independence. CBT is not just about managing the symptoms, it’s about understanding the root causes - Hannah’s deep fears of trust and abandonment.

Trauma Focused CBT 

Hannah’s therapist also used Trauma Focused CBT to dive deeper into how her childhood experiences shaped her need for control and independence. This therapy helped her develop healthier perspectives and build coping strategies that didn't rely on pushing people away.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

Hannah’s therapist uses a unique form of psychotherapy to help relieve the distress associated with her traumatic memories. EMDR therapy involves Hannah recalling distressing events while her therapist directs her eye movements. This process mimics the psychological state of REM sleep and helps Hannah process memories and emotions without the associated negative feelings and trauma association. It has helped Hannah to tackle the fears of abandonment and betrayal that fueled her hyper independence. By revisiting these painful memories in a controlled, therapeutic setting, she could reduce their emotional intensity. Through EMDR, Hannah has been able to soften her defensive independence without feeling vulnerable or exposed, making it a vital part of her healing.

Last Thoughts…

Hannah’s Happy Ending…

Hannah's journey of hyper independence has been challenging, but with an understanding partner by her side, the Waffle journal, and the support of targeted therapies like EMDR and CBT, she has begun to heal. Together, Michaell and Hannah have built a relationship grounded in acceptance and patience, creating a space where Hannah feels safe to explore her vulnerabilities and slowly lower her walls. Day by day, Hannah’s mental health is improving - she is learning that reliance on others does not equate to weakness and she’s seeing the beautiful possibilities that open up when you allow yourself to connect, trust, and love.