In a perfect world, every couple who decides to part ways would follow in the footsteps of Hollywood stars Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, amicably co-parenting, blending families with new partners, and remaining the best of friends supporting each other throughout life. 

But let's face it, most divorces are more "War of the Roses" than "Modern Family". 

When emotions run high and conflicts seem impossible to resolve, trying to co-parent peacefully can feel like walking through a minefield.

Enter parallel parenting, a strategy designed for parents who may not see eye to eye but still want the best for their kids. This approach allows you to protect your children from the drama, while still ensuring both parents play an active role in the child’s life.

Understanding Parallel Parenting?

Parallel parenting is a method often favored by parents who find themselves struggling to have contact without conflict after divorce or separation. Unlike traditional co-parenting, where parents work together and enjoy open and frequent communication as part of the post-divorce relationship, parallel parenting allows each parent to maintain a significant role in their children's lives while minimizing direct interaction with the other parent. This approach is particularly beneficial in high-conflict situations.

In a parallel parenting agreement, the separated parents limit communication, disengage from each other's personal lives and focus solely on the child’s well-being. Each parent operates independently of the other but they follow a highly structured parenting plan that covers all aspects of childcare. The key is strict adherence to this plan, ensuring that both parents can contribute positively to their children’s lives without the need for direct communication with their former partner.

When to Consider Parallel Parenting?

Parallel parenting becomes a viable option when traditional co-parenting isn't possible or healthy due to ongoing conflicts, emotional abuse, or simply different parenting styles. It is the parenting arrangement of choice for divorced parents who are unable to maintain a civil relationship after splitting up.

Here are some scenarios where parallel parenting might be the best route:

High Parental Conflict: If previous attempts at co-parenting have led to frequent arguments and stress, parallel parenting can reduce the contact points and potentially ease the tension when one (or both) parents still harbor negative feelings towards the other.

Different Parenting Style: When fundamental differences in parenting philosophies in a co-parenting relationship lead to disagreements that cannot be resolved through discussion, parallel parenting allows each parent to implement their own parenting approach independently.

Presence of Abuse or Toxic Relationship History: In family relationships where there’s been a history of emotional, physical, or psychological abuse, reducing interaction through parallel parenting may protect children and the victim parent from further harm.

Legal Restrictions: Sometimes, family and conciliation courts limit the amount of interaction between parents due to past behaviors. Parallel parenting arrangements ensure that each parent still plays a role in their children's lives within such legal constraints.

Choosing a parallel parenting strategy doesn't mean you value your children any less. Rather, it’s a pragmatic approach that prioritizes your child’s welfare in the midst of an inability to co-parent. By limiting interactions and focusing on the essentials, parents can create a stable parenting plan where their children can thrive despite parental conflict.

Parallel Parenting VS Co Parenting

Splitting up is never easy and trying to forge a new way forward as co-parents can be an emotional time. Understanding the different parenting arrangements is key to choosing the method that best suits your family’s needs.

While both parallel parenting and co-parenting involve shared parenting responsibilities for raising children after a separation or divorce, the approaches they take are quite distinct. 

The parallel parenting model is a method designed for high-conflict situations where parents refrain from anything more than minimal communication. Parents agree on a highly structured parenting plan that specifies the responsibilities and boundaries for each parent, which they follow independently. Parallel parents interact only when necessary in order to reduce disagreements and conflicts.

Example of parallel parenting:  Alex and Jordan split up after a particularly volatile argument where their neighbors called law enforcement personnel to their home to diffuse the yelling. To minimize further conflicts after the separation, they decided to use a parallel parenting arrangement for their two older children. Their parenting plan includes fixed schedules for joint legal custody, predefined methods for exchanging the children (like after extracurricular activities at school, a neutral territory), and communication primarily through emails or a co-parenting app. They decided to use the Waffle journal because their friend Alisha recommended it after it was so helpful in helping her communicate with her partner when they were too upset to talk effectively. This way, they avoid direct confrontations and their acrimony doesn’t negatively affect their kids further.

Co-parenting, on the other hand, involves a more collaborative and open relationship between parents. It requires regular communication and joint decision making. The focus is on working together amicably to raise the children, despite the parents no longer being romantically involved.

Example of co-parenting: Sarah and Mike split amicably and chose to be co-parents to their daughter. They don’t need family court to intervene because they can discuss their child’s needs and make parenting decisions together about her education, health, and welfare from a place of mutual respect. They attend school events and extracurricular activities together, communicate frequently to ensure they are on the same page, and even spend holidays together as a family to maintain a sense of unity for their daughter.

The Key Differences:

• Communication Style: In co-parenting, communication is frequent, direct, and involves face-to-face discussions about parenting responsibilities. In a parallel parenting arrangement, communication is structured, limited, and often indirect, using written forms like texts or emails rather than phone calls. The Waffle journal is a great way to keep all your parenting conversations in one place. Ranita uses it to work through problems without getting caught up in the moment and fighting - it’s the perfect accessory for parallel parenting in 2024. 

• Decision Making: Parallel parenting involves more independent decision-making within agreed-upon guidelines, while co-parenting requires joint decisions.

• Flexibility: Co-parenting often requires more flexibility and willingness to negotiate, while parallel parents stick to a predetermined plan to avoid disputes.

• Emotional Engagement: Co-parents maintain a friendly or at least cordial relationship, whereas parallel parenting may require the parents not to speak to each other because of a contentious relationship.

The Benefits of Parallel Parenting

It may seem that co-parenting is by far the best approach, however, there are many positives that make parallel parenting work for some people. It can be a lifesaver when behavior expectations after a split don’t go as planned and you find yourself in a high conflict and messy break up. Successful parallel parenting offers a practical solution that minimizes stress for both parents and children. 

The benefits of parallel parenting are:

Reduces Conflict Exposure: With limited in-person communication between parallel parents and structured interactions, children are shielded from potential arguments and the negative emotions that come with them.
Example: If one parent strongly disapproves of the other parent’s parenting behaviors, parallel parenting allows each parent to maintain their own household norms without ongoing arguments and debates that could upset the children.

Encourages Independence in Parenting: Parallel parenting allows each parent to make day-to-day decisions about their children’s care without needing constant approval from the other parent. This can be particularly liberating if previous attempts at cooperation have led to stalemates or conflicts.
Example: Consider a parent who is a strict vegetarian and wants their child to follow a similar diet during their parenting time. Under a parallel parenting plan, they can establish that their dietary rules are followed during their parenting time, without interference from the other parent.

Provides Structure and Predictability: The structured nature of parallel parenting plans can provide a stable routine that benefits the children. Knowing what to expect and when can help children feel more secure amidst the changes brought on by their parent’s separation.
Example: Children like Emma and Lucas know that they spend weekdays with one parent and weekends at the other parent’s house, and that holiday schedules are predetermined. This routine helps them feel settled and secure.

Facilitates Healing: Parallel parenting can give each parent the space to heal from any emotional wounds caused by the relationship or its dissolution. This distance can also lead to personal growth and a better understanding of how to handle individual responsibilities toward the children.
Example: After a tumultuous divorce, Jamie found that having a structured parallel parenting plan allowed her to focus on improving her own emotional well-being without the constant stress of interacting with her ex-partner. This personal growth translated into a more positive and calm environment for her children.

Best Solution in Cases of Abuse or Domestic Violence: Where there’s been a history of abuse, parallel parenting provides a safe framework for both the child and the survivor parent by minimizing interactions with the other parent to avoid triggering past trauma.
Example: Maria, a survivor of domestic abuse, uses a parallel parenting plan to ensure her child can maintain a relationship with her ex in a way that keeps her safe and prevents old patterns from re-emerging.

Is Parallel Parenting Healthy for the Child?

When parents part ways, the ideal scenario for the children often involves maintaining strong, healthy relationships with both parents. Research consistently supports the notion that joint custody is generally the best arrangement for children’s well-being. It allows them to benefit from the emotional, behavioral, and academic advantages of having both parents actively involved in their lives.

However, joint custody where children are still exposed to parental conflict is detrimental to children’s mental health and in these situations family law attorneys may suggest parallel parenting plans for the sake of the kids.

The Disadvantages of Parallel Parenting

Being a parallel parent with your ex is hard. There is so much that both parties and the children involved miss out on when parents cannot get along.

Some of the cons of this type of parenting are:

• Can lead to inconsistent rules and expectations for the child, as each parent may implement their own set of guidelines and discipline methods

• Children might miss out on sharing important events or milestones with both parents present, such as sports days, birthdays, or a school performance

• Each parent might not have a complete understanding of the child’s day-to-day life, challenges, or achievements since the child spend half their time with the other parent

• When new or unexpected things come up, like a situation with the child’s health, it’s complicated to get it sorted out 

• Often, parallel parenting requires greater involvement of mediators, legal counsel, or therapists to manage communication and enforce parenting agreements, which can be financially and emotionally taxing.

The Central Ideas of Parallel Parenting

The core ideas in parallel parenting help to ensure that parenting time for both parties is fair and can be undertaken independently to avoid disagreements and arguments. Let’s take a look:

Clear Boundaries

Parallel parenting involves setting strict personal and communication boundaries to reduce conflict and interaction between parents.

Minimal Contact

Direct or in person communication is limited to necessary information about the child's welfare, often facilitated through written means like emails or specialized apps like the Waffle shared journal. This shared journal space can be used to document interactions and serves as a record of communication where parents cannot be civil.

Neutral 3rd Parties 

Professionals such as mediators, therapists, and lawyers frequently facilitate communication, resolve disputes, and ensure everyone follows the plan. These neutral parties are also necessary to mediate in the event that one parent fails to follow the agreed upon parameters of the agreement.

Focus on the Child/ren

All decisions and interactions are child-centered, prioritizing the well-being and needs of the children above all else.

A Detailed Parenting Plan

Detailed parenting plans are comprehensive documents that outline schedules, responsibilities, and protocols for various scenarios, providing a clear framework for both parents to follow.

How to Create a Healthy and Fair Parallel Parenting Plan

A well-crafted parallel parenting plan should comprehensively cover all aspects of seeing to the child’s well-being. In addition to clearly defining handover procedures and schedules for alternating holidays and special occasions, the plan should also include detailed arrangements for the child’s schooling, health care and emergency procedures. Moreover, incorporating clauses for periodic reviews allows the plan to adapt to the child's changing needs over time. This thorough approach helps minimize conflicts and keeps the focus on both parents nurturing and supporting the child through all stages of their development.

Here is an example of a parenting plan where you can see how in-depth it goes in considering every possible eventuality.

Top Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting

• Always keep interactions with your ex-partner civil in front of the children to avoid putting them in stressful situations. (also kids are smart and if they sense discord, they might try to play one of you off against the other)

• Let go of control - you cannot get upset about what happens when your child is with the other parent

• Stay adaptable to changing circumstances and needs, especially as your child grows.

• Rely on friends and family for emotional support and practical help when needed

• Work on your own personal growth and development with either in-person or online therapy. Focus on developing conflict resolution skills and emotional regulation so you can remain calm and centered in the face of anything your ex does

Communication is Key

Effective communication is the cornerstone of successful parallel parenting. Keeping exchanges with your ex-partner minimal yet polite helps maintain a respectful atmosphere and reduces the potential for conflict. Utilizing electronic communication is particularly beneficial, as it provides a clear, documented trail of interactions and can be less emotionally charged than face-to-face or phone conversations. Co-parenting apps can streamline this process by organizing schedules, expenses, and messaging in one central location, making it easier to manage the logistical aspects of parenting from separate households. By emphasizing efficient, courteous communication, you ensure that your focus remains on the well-being of your children.

The Waffle Shared Journal for Parallel Parenting Communication

While you would not typically think to use a journal app with your ex, the Waffle journal is an extremely efficient way for parents to communicate without direct contact. Specifically designed to enhance clarity and effectiveness in communication, it's a vital tool for shared parenting. Waffle enables parents to meticulously document and share essential updates about their child’s daily activities, health, and educational developments. Its user-friendly interface simplifies the way parents can exchange information and coordinate responsibilities, ensuring that both have equal access to valuable insights about their child.

If You Are in a Parallel Parenting Arrangement, Don’t Do This…

It can be very tempting to be petty and try to turn your child against the other parent, but this kind of thing only hurts your child. In this vein, here are some common behavioral traps to avoid:

• Don’t invade your child’s privacy by pressing for details about their time with the other parent

• Don’t paint your ex in a negative light - if you can’t be positive, aim for neutral

• Don’t refuse to acknowledge the other parent’s existence by taking down photos or refusing to speak about them with your child

• Avoid using your child as a source of emotional support or treating them as a confidant in your split. This only puts them in the middle of the drama again

• Avoid questioning your child about the other parent’s personal life or decisions

• Don’t imply that your child needs protection from the other parent, as this can create fear and confusion

• Never criticize your ex in front of your child

Try to be dignified and conduct yourself with integrity at all times - your child may be little when you split, but they will grow up and they will remember if you behaved badly. The best way to handle things is to always take the high road and not stoop to your exes level if they are behaving badly - this is especially true in cases of narcissistic co parenting. Always remember who you want to be for your child and then be that person.

Parallel Parenting After Domestic Violence or Narcissistic Abuse

Navigating parallel parenting after enduring domestic violence or dealing with abuse requires careful management and clear boundaries. When a parent exhibits narcissistic behaviors, the complexities of parenting post-separation can intensify, making it crucial to establish a parenting plan that minimizes direct contact. Dealing with a narcissistic parent means consistently reinforcing boundaries and protecting your emotional space and that of your child. This setup is essential not only for reducing stress but also for preventing narcissistic parents from manipulating or exerting undue influence over the parenting dynamic. In these situations, parallel parenting allows you to focus on providing a stable, nurturing environment for your child, free from the turmoil that an abusive or narcissistic parent might otherwise bring into daily interactions.

Last Thoughts

Parallel parenting is a lifeline for families trying to navigate the choppy waters of separation with dignity and respect. By setting boundaries, minimizing contact, and focusing on the children's needs above all, this approach can transform a high-stress situation into a manageable and even positive one.