In the wild world of modern dating, there’s a new player on the field: “the situationship”.

It’s that confusing space between “just friends” and “true love” and it’s a mystifying path to navigate - things feel like a relationship… sometimes and other times not at all. When you see each other, it’s amazing… but it never quite progresses into a real commitment.

You know the drill - late night texts, cozy hangouts, maybe even some romance and fooling around, but no official titles, no clear direction, and no sense of commitment.

If you often find yourself asking “what are we?” - then you’re in a situationship.

So, what’s the deal with this big, wide, gray area we find ourselves dating in? Why does it seem like more and more people are finding themselves in situationship territory than stepping into a solid relationship?

And, most importantly, how do you navigate this modern-day love maze without losing your way - or your mind?

Let’s unpack this “situationship” concept…

What Exactly is a Situationship?

According to the dictionary, situationships can be defined as “a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established”.

A situationship is when you are in an undefined relationship, in that you have not declared an intentional commitment but are engaging in sexual behaviors, enjoy spending time together, and may feel an emotional connection to your partner.

Most people in a serious relationship go through this gray area of uncertainty on the road to becoming an established couple - the difference is, you and your partner will at some point sit down and have “the talk”, declare your intentions, feelings, and commitment to one another and officially become an exclusive couple. You then become each other's automatic plus one, you meet each other's friends and family and you see each other regularly.

On the other hand, situationships tend to stay the same way and don’t evolve into a more serious partnership. Situationships are casual relationships that involve low levels of commitment and expectations.  

Is A Situationship the Same as Friends With Benefits

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist says that if you’re “friends with benefits” the expectation is that you remain “just a friend” with the person you’re hooking up with. It’s a booty call when you’re bored, or single and you both agree that it’s just a casual hook-up with no emotional intimacy. 

In a situationship the partners behave like a couple when they’re together but it’s a casual relationship in that the actual relationship status remains undefined. You’re not boyfriend and girlfriend in the traditional sense.

How Did Modern Dating Evolve To Incorporate a “Situationship”?

While the concept of “a situationship” is essentially quite new, it hasn’t just appeared out of nowhere. The way folks approach relationships has evolved dramatically over the last few decades driven by shifts in societal norms, technology, and the increasing diversity of relationship structures. 

Gone are the days where most people just had one love story - today, dating is a complex journey with multiple partners and a variety of possible endings. Not even marriage is forever anymore with rising divorce rates and blended families being commonplace. Women especially, no longer settle - when the current arrangement no longer serves, people are more likely to break up than try to fix things.

Collectively, our tolerance for “less than what we deserve” is lower and holding out for an arrangement that meets our diversified needs is what has given rise to a new era in romantic relationships.

Relationship Dynamics - Then vs Now

In the 1950s and 60s, expectations around romance and hooking up were vastly different. Young people typically got married in their 20’s, usually having only one serious love interest, maybe two in their lives. The path from courtship to settling down was straightforward with clear milestones along the way. When you married, the expectation was that you stayed married to that person for life.

Fast forward to the present and the dating scene is far more fluid and more complicated. The norm is now to explore multiple relationships before settling down and it’s likely you’ll have special love stories with more than one person before choosing “the one” human you’ll spend your life with. 

The expectations around relationships have also shifted. With marriage typically happening later (if at all) and more emphasis on personal growth and independence, people are taking their time to find the right partner. This has opened the door to non-traditional relationship structures, where committing to one person for life isn’t always the end goal.

These evolving relationship structures have contributed to the rise of situationships by offering alternative ways to connect with others. In a world where the definition of love is expanding, the idea of what a relationship should look like is also changing, making room for the fluid and often undefined nature of a situationship.

Later Marriage

The age at which people marry has increased significantly over the past few decades. In the 1970s, the average age for marriage in the U.S. was in the early 20s. Today, that number has risen to around 30 for both men and women. This delay in marriage has contributed to more people experiencing a wider variety of relationships before settling down.

With more time spent in the dating pool, it’s not surprising that many find themselves in undefined relationships like situationships. The focus has shifted from finding a life partner early on to exploring personal goals, careers, and multiple relationships before considering marriage.

Online Dating - Are We Afraid of Commitment?

Online dating has forever changed the way we meet potential partners. With apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, people now have access to an endless stream of potential matches, which can make commitment feel less urgent. This abundance of choice can create a paradox where people keep their options open, resulting in more casual arrangements like a situationship.

Spending time with many people online at a time has normalized a more casual approach to hooking up which is related to the steady decline of a committed relationship as the gold standard. People no longer expect a more serious relationship and this shift has made it easier for situationships to exist as more people are willing to engage in a relationship that doesn’t have a clearly defined future.  

Signs You’re Stuck In A Situationship

Navigating the murky waters of a situationship can be tricky, especially when the boundaries between a casual fling and a committed relationship are blurred. 

If you’re looking for the answer of whether you’re in a situationship, here are 8 tell-tale signs to help you figure it out:

1. The Relationship is Undefined

A big part of a situationship is the lack of clarity about your relationship status. If you’ve never had the "what are we?" conversation, and there’s no label to describe your relationship, this could be a major red flag. If you doubt the other person’s commitment and have to guess about their feelings or interest in you, then it’s likely a situationship.

2. Inconsistent Communication and Plans

One of the hallmarks of a situationship is the inconsistency in communication and seeing each other. There might be days or even weeks when you don’t hear from them, followed by periods of frequent contact. Plans are often made on a whim with little thought given to future dates or long-term planning. This inconsistency often reflects a lack of deeper commitment.

3. No Mention of the Future

A situationship exists in the moment - conversation about the future is non-existent or very vague. If you notice that your partner avoids discussing future plans, for instance, vacations, holidays, or even where the relationship is headed - it’s a sign that they’re not thinking about a long-term future with you.

4. Superficial Connection

A lack of depth in your conversations is another sign you’re in a situationship. If your interactions mainly consist of small talk or surface-level topics without delving into deeper emotional or personal issues, it suggests that your connection might not be as strong or meaningful as in a more serious relationship.

5. The Relationship is Based on Convenience

Situationships often thrive on convenience rather than genuine connection. Plans might be made spur of the moment, depending on whether it’s convenient for one or both parties. There’s little effort to plan or make time for each other, which usually means the relationship is not a priority.

6. Your Life is Clearly Separate (No Growth or Evolution)

Healthy relationships tend to grow and evolve over time as you get to know each other better and deepen your bond. In a situationship, however, there’s no progress. As a relationship naturally becomes more defined over time, your lives become more intertwined. You meet each other’s friends, spend time with family, and start integrating your daily routines and making future plans. However, in a situationship, this usually doesn’t happen. If you’ve been seeing someone for a while but have yet to meet their friends or family - or if they’ve shown no interest in meeting yours - it’s a sign that the relationship isn’t growing or evolving.

7. Not Always Exclusive

Situationships are often non-exclusive, meaning that one or both partners might be seeing other people. If you haven’t discussed exclusivity, and there’s an unspoken understanding that you’re both free to date others, this is a clear sign that you’re in a situationship rather than a committed relationship.

8. No Follow-Ups

If your partner doesn’t follow up after you spend time together, whether it’s a date, a hangout, or even a significant event, it could be a sign that they’re not emotionally invested. The absence of check-ins indicates that the relationship might not be committed.

Pros and Cons Of A Situationship - Is It Always a Bad Thing?

Situationships can be both liberating and frustrating, depending on what you’re looking for in a relationship. 

While they can offer certain benefits, they can also come with drawbacks that may not align with everyone’s needs or desires. 

Advantages

The biggest positive point about a situationship is that this relationship style offers more freedom and flexibility than a traditional relationship. Situationships allow you to explore different dynamics and learn more about what you want from a partner without the defined parameters of commitment.

The Related Benefits of Freedom and Flexibility:

• No Pressure: Situationships can be appealing because they come without the pressure - you can just enjoy someone’s company without the expectations that often accompany a more serious partnership.

• Focus on Personal Growth: Without the demands related to traditional relationships, you have more time to focus on your personal goals, career, or hobbies. This can be especially beneficial if you’re at a stage in life where you want to prioritize self growth and development.

• Casual Connection: For those who aren’t looking for a deep emotional commitment with a partner, a situationship offers the chance to enjoy companionship and intimacy without the need for long-term planning.

• Time to Figure Things Out: If you’re unsure about what you want or what kind of person you’re compatible with, a situationship can provide the space to explore your feelings in a stress free way without rushing into a serious relationship.

Disadvantages

Unless you’re both on the same page, there’s a big possibility that one person will end up hurt in a situationship.

The Down Side of a Lack of Clarity:

• Ambiguity: The undefined nature of a situationship can lead to confusion. Without clear boundaries or expectations, it’s easy to feel lost about where you stand with your partner.

• Emotional Uncertainty: A situationship can be an emotional rollercoaster, where one person might struggle with not knowing how the other feels or what the future holds.

• Unequal Investment: Situationships can lead to one person becoming more emotionally invested than the other, which can result in hurt feelings or disappointment when the relationship doesn’t progress.This can leave you feeling unfulfilled if you’re hoping for more.

• Missed Opportunities: Spending time in a situationship might prevent you from pursuing a relationship with someone that could offer more stability or emotional fulfillment.

Mental Health Impact - When a Situationship Takes its Toll

When you are looking for something stable and serious with another person but constantly find yourself in situationships with people unwilling to go the distance with you, it can take its toll on your mental health. 

Low Self-Worth

Being in a situationship can sometimes make you question your own value, especially if you’re constantly in situations where your needs and desires aren’t fully met.  When you can’t find a person willing to commit to you, you may begin to feel inadequate or worthless.

Anxiety

The inherent uncertainty of a situationship can cause anxiety, particularly if you’re someone who craves stability. Not knowing where you stand or what the future holds can lead to constant worry and stress, which can take a toll on your mental well-being.

Emotional Vulnerability

Situationships can leave you feeling used or taken for granted. This vulnerability can be exacerbated if you’re more invested in the relationship than the other person. The ambiguity of a situationship can lead to a sense of ambivalence, where you’re unsure whether to continue or end the relationship. This constant state of indecision can be mentally exhausting and emotionally draining leaving you frazzled and fragile.

How To Navigate a Situationship Effectively

The key to making a situationship work is to be honest, straightforward and clear about your expectations right from the start.

Be Honest About What You Want: 

Don’t be afraid to have the conversation about what you’re looking for. If you’re okay with keeping things casual, that’s great, but make sure your partner is on the same page. Transparency is your best friend here and it shows you respect the person you’re seeing.

Set Boundaries: 

To avoid misunderstandings, it’s crucial to clearly describe what's off-limits. What are your deal-breakers? Establishing these from the start can prevent heartache later on.

Don’t Just Let Things Passively Happen: 

It’s easy to just go with the flow in a situationship, especially if you are the less invested party. Take an active role in defining your relationship rather than letting it define itself. If you feel things are going in a direction you aren’t comfortable with, speak up before one person is unnecessarily hurt.

Check-In Regularly: 

Situationships are fluid, and the way people feel can change. Make it a point to check in with your partner regularly to ensure you’re both still on the same page. This helps avoid any surprises and keeps the communication lines open.

Speak Up If Things Change: 

If at any point you feel the dynamic is shifting - whether you want more or less - don’t hesitate to bring it up. It’s better to address it than to let assumptions lead to misaligned expectations.

Journal:

Keeping a journal to track how you feel throughout a situationship is a great idea and a good way to keep on top of the shifting dynamics. It’s a good self-check to know if you need to talk about anything if the relationship is taking a turn you don’t want it to. Waffle Journal is a handy online app that you can keep in your pocket to record anything you feel might be relevant to your situationship. 

A journal will also help you track the situationship’s progress and if you continually find yourself in these types of open-ended, non-committal relationships, you can look for patterns that may help you avoid this going forward.

How Do I Turn A Situationship Into A Real Relationship?

There is no right or easy answer to this - it depends on so many factors. While it is possible to move forward in a more serious way with your situationship buddy, you will need to make your peace with the fact that they may not want to. Once you’ve crossed the line and indicated you want something more, it may well be the end of things between you if they aren’t willing to work on something real.

Here are some words you can use as a baseline and adapt it to your situation - “I am really enjoying spending time with you and getting to know you. Would you be willing to talk about what each of us is looking for from this relationship going forward?” 

They’ll either agree or not, but either way you’ll have your answer!

How Do I End A Situationship That Isn’t Working For Me?

Just because you’re not invested in a more stable arrangement with someone does not mean you don’t show them respect as a human being. Finding the right words to break up with someone, even someone casual, is not easy. The best thing to do is be honest about how you feel and have the guts to tell the truth - ghosting is a horrible thing to do to someone.

You can say something along the lines of “I’ve really enjoyed our time together, but I’ve realized that I’m looking for something different right now. I think it’s best for both of us if we go our separate ways.”

How To Cope When A Situationship Ends?

There seems to be the belief online that since you were never officially dating your situationship partner, somehow it doesn’t sting when things end - nothing could be further from the truth, especially if you were more invested than they were in the relationship. It’s crucial to allow yourself time to process the emotions that come with the end of a situationship. 

Practicing self-compassion during the transition to singledom is so important - be gentle with yourself and avoid slipping into self-blame. Recognize that it’s natural to feel sad or disappointed, and give yourself the space to heal without judgment. 

Journaling can also be a helpful tool during this time. Writing down your thoughts and emotions allows you to reflect on what you’re feeling and gain clarity about your experiences. It’s a private way to process your thoughts and can help you understand what you want in a relationship moving forward. 

If the end of the situationship stirs up deeper issues or impacts you significantly, it’s a good idea to seek support through family therapy. This type of therapy can provide valuable insights into how your relationship patterns might be connected to your family dynamics and offer strategies for moving forward in a healthy way. 

Remember, healing takes time, and it’s okay to take the necessary steps to care for yourself as you navigate this transition.

Last Thoughts

Situationships can be a mixed bag, offering flexibility and fun, but also emotional challenges. The key is to stay true to yourself, communicate clearly, and know when it’s time to move on.