Society is changing. 

The “rules” we have been conditioned into blindly accepting for centuries are now being questioned. While we still have a long way to go shattering stigmas and changing outdated views and judgmental attitudes, we are generally becoming more accepting and inclusive of non-traditional lifestyles.

With relationship satisfaction at an all time low more and more people are seeking alternative types of personal relationships to feel fulfilled. 

Enter ethical non-monogamy (ENM) relationships…

While this type of relating is certainly not new, it has been enjoying a surge in popularity recently. Let’s dive in and see what all the fuss is about! 

What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Ethical non-monogamy is also called consensual non-monogamy - both of these “labels” refer to the same thing - they are essentially open relationships involving more than two people. 

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for a relationship style that does not follow the traditional relationship structure of two people committed to each other only. It encompasses multiple relationships of varying intensity being conducted with other partners alongside the primary relationship. The parties involved in the sexual or romantic relationships are referred to as a polycule.

Types of ENM Relationship Models

There are many different ways to structure ethically non-monogamous relationships and there are no “rules” per say, other than what you and your partner agree upon. However, there are some typical relationship structures that tend to be favored within the consensual non-monogamy community.

Polyamory

This is where someone has multiple intimate relationships at the same time. These can be romantic or sexual relationships but more often are both. Within polyamory there are different structures that the non monogamous relationship can follow - here are the most common ones:

• Hierarchical Polyamory - Here there are primary partners that take precedence but each partner can form other relationships in a secondary or even tertiary capacity (think Hugh Hefner with his main girlfriend and then relationships with secondary other girls).

• Non-Hierarchical Polyamory - There is no primary partner, rather all the polyamorous relationships are equal.

• Closed V - Here two people share a sexual and romantic relationship with a third person but not with each other.

• Throuple/Triad - In this relationship dynamic three people are romantically involved with each other.

• Quad - The same as a throuple, only there are four individuals involved in a committed relationship.

Open Relationships

When two people involved in a romantic relationship agree to see other people while staying together they are said to be in an “open relationship”. This is probably the most well known form of EMN relationship because most people have heard of open relationships and may have even dabbled in one.

Open relationships can be romantic or involve casual sex but the key here is the emotional connection with a secondary partner does not become too intense or serious. It’s more like casual dating outside of your primary relationship.

Relationship Anarchy

Relationship anarchists reject rules, hierarchies, and structure and are equally committed to devoting time to intimate emotional connections with lovers as they are to friends. 

Relationship anarchy is more about deconstructing societal norms and eschewing prescriptive labels and living in the moment with multiple partners. Some partners may be platonic, some are romantic connections, and other partners you may engage in sexual activities with - you take it as it comes and there are no expectations or demands on anyone.  

Monogamish

This is a great starting point for people who are not quite sure if they want an ethically non-monogamous relationship. This type of ENM relationship is not quite open to multiple people but it’s not fully closed either. The parties involved in the monogamous relationship devise an agreement between them for occasionally pursuing intimate relationships with other people. 

Polyfidelity

This is an umbrella term that encompasses throuples and quads but can also include bigger groups. It’s a closed group of three or more people who do not see anyone outside of their relationship network. They are in an exclusive and committed relationship that is sexual, romantic and emotional, just with more than one other person.

Swinging

This is when a couple has sexual encounters with other people or other couples. It’s often recurrent but there is no commitment expected. These ENM relationships are purely sexual relationships about sexual desire only. 

Solo Polyamory

Solo Polyamorists have established relationships with more than one person but are not looking for a primary partner, preferring to keep their autonomy and independence. They don’t live with or combine their lives with any of their multiple partners.

This is different from casual dating where people have sexual or romantic liaisons with multiple people but don’t look for a long-term commitment or exclusivity with any of them. 

Polygamy

This type of ENM relationship has existed since biblical times - it’s when a man or a woman has multiple spouses. It is outlawed by most first world governments due to the severe mental health consequences for women and children of polygamous families. 

When a man has multiple wives it’s called polygyny and when a woman has many husbands it’s called polyandry. 

The Biggest Myth About Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationships - Ethical Non-Monogamy vs Cheating

People who don’t understand the construct of ethical non-monogamy maintain that it’s not possible to have a healthy relationship with multiple romantic connections - they say it’s nothing more than sanctioned cheating. 

Nothing could be further from the truth. ENM relationships are actually built on a foundation of explicit trust and there are agreements in place around what is and isn’t allowed. Moreover, consent is at the core of each person pursuing multiple relationships. 

In contrast, cheating involves deceit and lies - engaging in sexual behavior or romantic relationships behind your significant other’s back is simply a betrayal of trust and not what ethical non monogamy is about at all. 

Other Common Misconceptions About ENM Relationships

There are so many wrong assumptions when an individual or couple chooses to embrace an ENM lifestyle and pursue multiple romantic partners. 

Why Aren’t You “Enough” for Your Partner?

Pop culture has a lot to answer for. 

As small children we are told fairy tales where the princess meets her prince and they ride off into the sunset to live “happily ever after”. Movies, TV series’, and books tell stories of “soulmates” and finding “the one” - setting up the expectation that you are looking for that one perfect person - the ying to your yang.

Real life is a hard knock when you have these ideas.

In reality, how can you expect one person to fulfill every need? That you will evolve simultaneously with someone you meet in your 20’s through all life stages and the trials and tribulations thrown at you to emerge victorious on your twin rocking chairs at 70 still completely in love is unreasonable. 

There is of course more than one person in the big world of 8 billion people that can make you happy - you choose to stay with someone and accept them as they are. Nobody is perfect and as long as the good outweighs the bad and you both WANT to be monogamous then there’s no problem.

But similarly there is nothing inherently wrong with looking for multiple people to fulfill different needs and desires.

If You “Let” Someone Look, They’ll Find Someone They Like Better Than You:

Ah guys, this is a dangerous assumption. You meet new people all the time whether you’re looking or not. Being in a monogamous relationship is no guarantee that someone won’t meet someone else they like better. It can happen no matter what your relationship structure is. 

And if it needs saying - “letting” your partner do things is a recipe for relationship meltdown!

Cheating and Infidelity Doesn’t Happen:

Cheating and infidelity don’t look the same in an ENM relationship, but it absolutely can still happen. When one party doesn’t practice ethical non-monogamy within the bounds of the agreed upon parameters, trust is broken and it’s considered cheating. 

It’s All About Casual Sex:

One of the biggest misunderstandings is that it’s all about wild orgies and having as many sexual partners as possible. The truth is while practicing ethical non-monogamy often involves sexual encounters, it’s often just as much about emotional relationships too.

The Reasons Why People Choose to Practice Ethical Non-Monogamy

There are many reasons why someone would choose ethical non monogamy. 

For people wanting to experiment with different aspects of their sexuality, like same sex experiences or kink fantasies, a non-monogamous relationship is a great way to do this. 

One person doesn’t always meet all of your relationship needs and you may want to explore fulfilling them with different partners who have the same interests as you. 

Some people like variety and others really struggle with monogamy in general, getting bored very quickly once the initial rush of a relationship dies down - pursuing non-monogamous relationships is one way to combat this without the drama of hurt feelings and ending relationships with people.

People in ethically non-monogamous relationships maintain that you can love more than one person at a time - an idea that the vast majority of people feel is false. Being able to give and receive love, support, and sexual satisfaction from multiple people can lead to a more fulfilling life.

How Ethical is The Word “Ethical”?

In recent years, there has been an outpouring of criticism over the use of the words “ethical” and “consensual” in front of non-monogamy. Using words like this hints at something being inherently wrong with non-monogamous relationships in general, when in fact it is simply a choice to follow a different lifestyle. 

Societal conditioning is so ingrained in us to only accept the traditional union of man and woman and it’s time to change this. Any way of relating that takes place between two or more adults that is fully consensual does not need the ethical qualifier attached to give the perception that it’s morality based. 

People should be free to conduct their private affairs however they choose to - simple as that! 

Attachment Styles and How They Relate To Ethically Non Monogamous People

Attachment theory is an interesting lens through which to view non monogamy. Your attachment style is something that develops during childhood as you learn to relate to your caregivers. It’s posited that this carries through to adulthood and dictates how you form bonds of intimacy with significant others. Of course, the secure attachment style is the one we all strive for and unsurprisingly most successful non-monogamous people have this secure style of relating. 

New ideas however have suggested that your attachment style is actually not fixed and you can have different ways of relating to different people depending on the relationship and particular dynamics. It will be interesting to watch research into attachment style and non-monogamy develop as this lifestyle gains more traction. 

What Makes Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) Relationships Successful?

The pillars that uphold non monogamous relationships are not that different to the ones in traditional relationships. Treating people as you would like to be treated remains the go-to, regardless of how many people are involved in your relationship network.

Consent and Respect

At the heart of healthy non-monogamous relationships lies consent. There should never be coercion, exploitation, or force - this is a mutually beneficial agreement that should not favor one party unfairly.

Each person agrees to the terms, activities, and boundaries before anyone engages in anything physical or emotional with anyone else. Not deviating from this agreement and breaking trust is the hallmark of respect in any relationship.

Open Communication, Honesty and Transparency

ENM is not without its challenges - it’s vital to have open communication channels established to navigate the complex emotional journey that you’re embarking on. Shared journaling on Waffle is a great way to talk about difficult feelings without being confrontational or feeling awkward. It’s also a lot easier to be transparent about hard things in a shared journal than when you’re speaking face to face. Being honest with the person or people you’re with about your expectations and needs is at the core of a happy, secure, and strong relationship.

High Emotional Intelligence

The ability to identify and share emotions is crucial when you’re navigating ENM relationships. Not all your feelings are going to be pretty and being able to communicate and handle them effectively without a conversation becoming a fight is the key to making this lifestyle work.

The Practical Considerations of an Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationship

Equality VS Equity

This is an interesting concept because at face value it seems like equality and equity are the same. In reality there is a subtle difference you need to be aware of when navigating the world of non monogamy. 

Equality implies that you and your partner will have the same number of external partners and that these relationships will be of the same intensity. Truthfully the likelihood that you both will be dating others at the same time with the same level of emotion is unlikely. If you don’t fully accept that there may well be times when you are home alone and your partner is out with someone else then you end up in a situation where you’re both keeping score. 

Practical example: Spending the same number of nights with each partner, giving the same gifts to each person and the same level of attention to each partner.

Equity is a far better concept to adopt. This means that you aim to provide each partner with what they need to thrive, which might mean different treatment for each partner based on their individual situation. Equity ensures that each partner receives the support and resources that align with their specific needs.

Practical example: One partner might need more emotional support due to a personal issue, another might require more quality time because of their love language, and another might prefer more autonomy and less frequent interactions.

Regular Check-Ins

Checking in with the people you care about and making sure everyone is still comfortable with the arrangements is simply good practice. Feelings change, things crop up unexpectedly and setting aside time to work through any issues is the way to have successful relationships.

Safe Sex Practices

When you have multiple sexual partners you have got to be safe. Regularly checking your sexual health protects each sexual partner from STD’s and other diseases. 

Working With an Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) Therapist

If you are new to this lifestyle it’s a good idea to get some help from a therapist trained and experienced in helping ENM couples navigate their relationships successfully. 

Shared Journaling

Not everyone is comfortable talking with a therapist and this is where the Waffle Journal app can step in to help. There are special journal prompts specifically designed to strengthen ENM relationships and help you work through some of the tough feelings. Mariah says that using a shared journal with her ENM partner has been like therapy for their relationship and they now are stronger and closer because of it.

Some Potential Negatives About ENM Relationships to Think About

While ENM relationships can be extremely fulfilling it’s not always sunshine and roses.

Jealousy

When it comes to relationships with multiple participants, the devil you know may just be a green-eyed monster!

It’s commonly thought that people in these types of poly relationships are more emotionally mature and so self-aware that they don’t succumb to petty insecurity. And while that’s certainly true for some, jealousy is just as much a part of non-monogamous relationships as their traditional counterparts. 

You need a rock solid relationship built on unshakeable trust and a strong commitment to work through whatever crops up in a productive and non-combative way.

Emotional Fatigue

There is a lot of emotional admin involved in ethically non-monogamous relationships and it’s wise to be prepared for all it entails so you don’t experience emotional fatigue.

Conducting emotionally and sexually intense relationships with multiple people can quickly become exhausting. You need to ensure you have enough energy and stamina to give to each of your partners. 

Last Thoughts

So what do you think? Are ethical non-monogamy (ENM) relationships for you? 

The truth is, relationships are complex, however you choose to structure them. 

There’s no one-size-fits all approach to love and sex - you’ve got to be open, honest, and flexible and do what works for you and your partners.